The Biggest Problem Between Men and Women Today

A new friend and I were recently talking about what we each did for work, and when I said that I facilitated communication between people or groups that were having challenges understanding each other, our conversation turned to relationships between men and women.

She asked me, “What’s the biggest problem that you see today between men and women?”

My first instinct was to say, “Lack of polarity.”

After all, huge numbers of women today are saying that they can’t find a take-charge, protective provider man who makes them feel safe.

(Or - if they’re with a man - that he’s not like that.)

And huge numbers of men today are saying that they can’t find a woman who brings peace to their lives - who follows their lead, isn’t argumentative, and so forth.

(Or - if they’re with a woman - that she’s not like that.)

It seems clear enough that in many cases, differing energies are what glue a man and a woman together for the long term in a way that’s easeful and satisfying for both. If this weren’t the case, why would so many people be seeking the opposite energy in a partner?

But as I thought more about what my friend had asked me, I peeled another layer, and decided to revise what I’d said initially.

“On second thought,” I said, “I think the biggest problem between men and women is a lack of HUMILITY.”

By this I meant: either sex can actually polarize the other by connecting more deeply to their innate energy (masculine or feminine), but instead they wait for the other to change first, and then blame the other when they don’t.

Usually when I have a conversation with a woman who is frustrated that she can’t find that take-charge guy, I sense a bit of a chip on her shoulder - a desire to argue or make her point. Her very demeanor gives away the fact that she is not in her feminine energy.

This is likely contributing to why the more dominant men aren’t noticing her - or why the men around her or the man she’s with aren’t even connecting to their masculine instincts (as a woman who is receptive and not trying to control outcomes tends to activate provide/protect energy in men).

And usually when I have a conversation with a man who is frustrated at not finding peaceful feminine women, I sense him outsourcing his power and agency to the women who aren’t behaving as he’d like, which gives away the fact that he is not in his masculine energy.

His victim mentality is likely contributing to why the more receptive, peaceful women aren’t noticing him - and may even directly influence women in his orbit, or the woman he’s with, to abandon their feminine instincts (as women tend to relax and be more receptive and less controlling if they sense that a man is taking full responsibility for his own life as well as for the well-being and comfort of those in his charge).

In my own experience and observation, when a man and a woman are clashing over something and each feels that the other isn’t hearing what they’re saying, this lack of polarity (and, underlying that, lack of humility) is often the culprit.

Men typically need to hear a woman’s concern in a certain way in order for it to land, and women typically need to hear a man’s concern in a certain way in order for it to land.

Either one can break a stalemate by changing their communication and/or their approach to better align with the other’s natural energy and perspective.

But the stalemate will remain as long as each blames the other for the entire situation and doesn’t look at the possibility of changing his/her approach first.

In reality, lack of humility isn’t just the biggest problem in relationships between men and women.

As I see it, it’s also the biggest problem in ANY kind of relationship, as well as any situation in which two sides feel differently about something.

Two political parties battle over a certain policy, each blaming the other for a problem that exists in society.

Neither side really understands how the other sees the problem, and neither side makes the effort to gain that understanding so they can communicate their position in a way that accounts for the other’s perspective.

If you suggest to either side that they try this, they erupt in anger and demand to know why it should fall to THEM to make this effort and not the other side.

Two departments that work closely together in an organization are not coming up with proper deliverables because of miscommunications.

Neither side really understands how the other sees the task or what perspective they’re bringing, and neither side makes the effort to gain that understanding.

If you suggest to either side that they try this, they want to know why they have to be the one to make the effort and why you aren’t making this suggestion to the other side.

And so on.

Lack of humility is the bottom-line problem.

If one side - either side, it doesn’t matter which! - begins to interact and communicate in a way that is more tailored to how the other side thinks, that other side will almost have to respond differently, and a different result is almost guaranteed.

This is completely logical - anyone with a brain should be able to see it.

So if we’re seeing it, and still not taking action merely because we believe “they” should do it first - that’s our ego talking. What else could it be?

Do we actually want problems to be solved, or do we just want to be right?

It’s worth pondering.

In my new 90-minute communication consultations, I work with people who are at a standstill with some kind of problem (any kind, it doesn’t matter) because they have not been able to communicate in a way that the other side can really hear.

The goal of these consultations is to identify the bottom-line reason for the disconnect in your communication with the other side (i.e., what is it about their perspective that you’re not properly speaking to?).

If you want more in-depth help with the specifics of your communication and your approach to the situation, you can also hire me for additional services beyond the one-time consult.

Helping folks in relationships with the opposite sex is a particular interest of mine, as I’ve been naturally drawn into helping couples I know in my personal life with communication disconnects, and it was an enjoyable and interesting experience.

These consultations are only for people whose goal is to actually solve their problem rather than to be right (i.e., they’re ready to do the work to understand the other side rather than blaming them for not doing the same).

The next step if you’re interested in a consultation is to send me a Facebook DM or email me at eleanore@eleanorestrong.com.

Further details about this service, including pricing, can be found here.

Now I want to hear from you.

Have you ever been locked in a stalemate with a spouse/partner (or seen one with people you know)? Do you think that a lack of polarity (and/or humility) contributed? What happened? What was the outcome?

As you think about conflicts you’ve had with partners or people of the opposite sex, what are some ways they’ve communicated with you that haven’t been effective? What are some ways that have been effective?

I would love to hear from you in the comments below. Commenting is for paying subscribers only.